In Orkin’s Vulnerability by Marriage, she discusses
marriage and the imbalance of power that is so often a part of it. She believes
that women are made vulnerable by marriage, and this can be proven by looking
at which party in a relationship can leave without facing grave consequences.
This essay led our class to a discussion of marriage and the planning that
women must do if they want to have a family. However, we did not discuss the
consequences or societal/familial pressures faced by people, largely women, who
do not want families, or do not see the likelihood of a family in their future to
be great enough to build plans for the future around one.
For as long
as I can remember, I have not seen marriage or a family in my future, even in
the sense of “well if it happens it happens,” which is a situation some people
are in, as Dr. J pointed out. Also for as long as I can remember, my family
members have told me that I will “change my mind” or my “clock will start
ticking” or I’ll “find the right guy” – that, in one way or another, I will end
up doing what they want me to do. It seems to me that women face difficulties
no matter what their plans for their futures are – both of these options come
with their own set of problems.
In our
discussion in class, we discussed the planning that many women do regarding
their futures – trying to get their whole career in before they’re 30 or so, so
they can have a family and care for their children. We then discovered that
many young men are similarly planning for their futures, although they don’t
necessarily need or want to accomplish their career goals as early as women. I
am interested to know if men who don’t think they will get married or have a
family face the same chiding and/or sage advice from family members like their
female counterparts do. My first thought is that they do not, although their
family members might say similar things about maturing and subsequently wanting
to settle down. However, after hearing from men in class who did not meet our
more traditional expectations, I wouldn’t be too surprised to hear that they do
hear similar things from family or society. What have your experiences been?
My parents are divorced and remarried, and it just so happened that this familial bifurcation corresponds with a political bifurcation as well; my mother and step-father are far left and my father and step-mother are perhaps "moderate right," though they would have been "far right" about 5 years ago. As relates to your question, my mother and step-father have never pressured me to marry nor have they questioned or doubted any hesitancies I may have towards the institution of marriage. That being said, they still maintain traditional concepts of a nuclear familiar, be it married by law or not. On the other hand, I have certainly felt pressure from my father/step-mother - and more so from the extended families thereof - to be pursuing life on a track that would eventually lead to a wife, 2.2 children, and a white-picket fence. That being said, much of my father's family has extrapolated from the tightness of my jeans that I must be homosexual, and thus have turned down the marriage-pressure (which only elucidates the perhaps more pervasive homophobia).
ReplyDeleteI'm not a guy, so this may not even remotely help or be anything that you're asking for, but:
ReplyDeleteI have never wanted to settle down and start a family. I am consistently derided for it among my family, who believes that my sole purpose and fulfillment will be found in squeezing a few babies out for them to fawn over. Maybe i'm particularly cynical because the constant wave of baby-family-production talk, but it seems to me that the drive i'm supposed to have to create a nuclear picture perfect life is less for me and more for my family.
I actually just want to stay in school and become some super-human degree-receiving hoarder. That doesn't mean I don't want meaningful and intimate relationships, it just means that I don't want the ones my sister thinks I should be wanting. Creating a family is not something that I will ever plan for.
It is interesting to me, however, that until college my family pushed me to have that non-family-creation-oriented-mentality. It was only in the collegiate context that their opinions on my life aspirations should change. It was as if going to college was enough. I had now adequately met the requirements of a successful woman and should quit while I am ahead. The fact that I continued with the conception that my life should not be oriented towards and existent for the purpose of child bearing and home making has been a heavily contentious topic for the past few years.
I wonder if your experience is the same, Meriel?
I'm in a similar situation to Meriel's. In fact, my father has told me that he wants to record me saying that I will never get married so that he can play it at my wedding. Thanks, dad! Honestly, my aversion (that's too strong of a word, but we'll go with it) is really a problem with the institution of marriage itself. I had not thought of it in the same light as Orkin until reading this article. I have this person-we-call-aunt-but-isn't-really who has been "engaged" for 26 years; her and her significant other decided not to get married long ago, but have remained committed and happy throughout their lives. They are the happiest couple I know and I grew up naively thinking that this was the way to be happy. Since then, my opinions have maybe changed slightly, but in my family I haven't seen any truly happy relationships. I don't want to be in that position.
ReplyDeleteThus, I have rejected the expectation of marriage placed upon me by society, but also my family. In doing so, I feel I am not pressuring myself to make a marriage happen. I'm close to the mindset of "If it happens, it happens" but not quite. I intend to be very purposeful about any relationships that seem to be moving toward marriage.
I just have this feeling that the institution of marriage places such pressure on both parties - the woman and the man - that the marriage easily dissolve. I'm not sure if it's corroborated by research, but it is so by my experiences. A while back, I read Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert (the same woman who wrote Eat. Pray. Love) and found it to be quite helpful. In it, she explores her aversion to marriage and how she eventually comes to terms with it. It's been a few years, so I don't remember the specifics but I've moved it to the re-read pile so that I can brush up. For now, though, I am totally content being the cool aunt and not a wife or mother. Only time will tell, but I'm glad to have this article under my belt.